Ever have double vision? Well Thursday night around 2am after spending like a solid 4 hour marathon of trying to set up an Etsy account and resize photos,  suddenly my eyes would not focus together! They were each in their own zone — I was seeing the same thing on two different levels and it was trippy! All  I could do was immediately get up and leave the screen. I told my son either I was having a stroke or the computer finally won!

I looked in the mirror, were my eyes going in different directions? Was one dilated? No, they looked normal. I had my son look at them, then walked back and forth on an uneven path up the hall, around the living room and kitchen, made more faces in the mirror, repeated the alphabet, tried saying it backwards, then finally I sat down on my bed and within about 7 minutes the eyes were in sync again. It scared the crap out of me after all the problems I had in January with seeing flashes of lightning with my left eye.  I was almost afraid I might have had a total retinal detachment in the left eye, except the vision would have been cloudy, but it wasn’t, the vision was fine. I could focus on things again though I still have leftover lightning flashes from January from  vitreous fluid separation, something that can happen as we age,
link that explains it all.  But nothing prepared me for staring at a computer monitor could also make your eyes out of whack with Diplopia – double vision.  Make sure to rest your eyes every 1/2 hour when on computer, get up and take a break, (do as I say not as I do.)

My heart was still beating fast and the anxiety was releasing it’s grip slowly. I made my way to the bed and got in. pulling up the covers and closing my eyes. Normally I close my eyes and let the blackness guide me into sleep, but  not tonight, there was a great theater unleashing itself under my lids – a body of dark, purple/black/navy  water, moved up and down very gently and I seemed to be floating behind it. I was reminded of Poet, Theodore Roethke’s, Meditation at Oyster River. He described the water the same way I saw it, calming, quiet, “the tongues of water , creeping in, quietly.”  The water moved to the left and then a dark landmass appeared with black ferns and dark patterns waving and parting, moving as if blown by some gentle breeze, parting as I passed through to where a dark form of earth appeared to surface out of the water and as  I came closer, the ball was being devoured by ferociously hungry earthworms swaying as the water sunk it down, things began morphing like a Hierynymus Hell, I opened my eyes and sat up, reaching for the remote, glad to be bathed in the vacuous white glow of  television residue!  Anxiety again —

I got up and cleaned my closet filling a trash bag with clothes for Goodwill, continuing with dresser drawers,  another bag filled. I mopped the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, I was not closing my eyes till total exhaustion! I wondered, what if I got worse and an ambulance needed to come? I needed to clean up first! Your mortality mode kicks in, you think, oh my Gawd, what kind of mess have I left for others if they cart me away? I emptied the cat box, that was an easy fix,  took a shower, put on clean PJs  and still thought about the mountains of paperwork in files and packed into my desk drawers in which I could see my oldest son saying, “bring a trash can”,  as he emptied out one drawer after another littered with cards for different occasions and  years of sentimental old cards sent to me by family and friends, this would mean nothing to them but clutter.

The evil computer screen stared blankly at me in a challenge, and I wrote a blurb on FB and then shut it down.
One drawer was full of ‘diskettes’ from my old 90’s computer, there  were camera manuals and CDs of instruction.     18 chapters worth of work on the novel  lay slack and abandoned in the bottom drawer, it looked dead in it’s coffin like confines. I never finished it. It all centered on a 19 year old from Akron, Ohio during 1969 trying to make it to Woodstock. It was packed with references to the 60’s, places we all frequented back then, heaped with drugs, sex, rock and roll. I even had a sound track on the front page in case it was ever made into a movie. Damn, I thought I would finish, there it was, so I sat for a few minutes and read some chapters and still really liked it. I was a much better writer back when my mind had a sharper edge. No, that would stay where it was,  I had to move on.

What else could I get rid of?  It was 4:15am,  I opened kitchen cupboards, holy crap, garage sale needed — what kind of legacy was I leaving besides this old packed house in need of repairs? What do we want to be remembered for? Certainly it wasn’t for the picture frames cluttered under the beds in all the bedrooms, nor the art supplies packed in the spare room along with old yearbooks and albums, and stuff that was hanging around gathering dust  for years which had value only to me, not to my kids.  I could picture them throwing all my clothes into garbage cans, would they laugh at my old pair of Keds with the Tweety Bird and Sylvester pattern? Did they know I got that Peter Max scarf from a gallery where I met him in Akron Ohio at a reception for him?  Did they have any idea that I wore that tiny purple halter dress to a backstage cast party for  off-Broadway Players of Godspell? What a great cast! What a tiny dress! I remember it was the middle of winter and I had long boots and a black maxie coat.

Why was I thinking of such frivilous things? Would they keep the old letters I kept in that box in the closet? How about all the poetry I wrote?  What would be meaningful to them? I still have things from my grandparents, would they keep them too? Would they groan when they found my little stash of ‘lingerie’ that has remained untouched on the top shelf of the closet for years and years? I headed right for the bag of folded lace and garters and shoved it inside the Goodwill bag.

I looked around at all this ‘stuff’ accumulated over the years and wondered  what any of it means??? – They will not be happy with the mess  left behind so I vowed I better go to bed and tomorrow, I would start getting organized for when I’m ready to croak, there was just too much work to do, I had things to sort through, sell on Ebay. I didn’t have time for death and legacy, anyway, after a couple generations future grandchildren will hardly remember anything about me except I was an old, silly windbag,  dust in the wind they say, or as Kansas sings.

Maybe, if anything, my kids would remember me for teaching them to look at nature closely, to enjoy a moon lit night, the warm sun on your back, the caw of the crow, cats, hugs, old books, helping others and special people to surround themselves and grow old with –what else can I say that sounded mushy and comforting and ‘mother like’? What words would otherwise make up for the lack of a $100million trust fund only Romney can leave his kids? My legacy will be whatever the heck it is,  you live and make a place for yourself and do the best you can while you’re here, in just a matter of a few generations, you will be lost to the withers of time when your name means nothing unless you’ve accomplished something famous, like movie stars, famous icons,  Gates, Howard Stern, how about Phylis Diller?  Maybe since we have the internet, there’s a chance at a ‘quasi’ legacy, me writing about leaving a lasting impression and legacy?

I finally decided to surrender to the light around dawn. I was exhausted enough to lay down and deal with the dark liquid visions ‘meditative rivers’ if they came, I would swim. Then as I about shut my eyes, I remembered something,  I jumped out of bed and retrieved the bag of sexy lace lingerie shoved inside the Goodwill bag and put it back at the top corner of the closet. — let my legacy include a good laugh, heck maybe years from now I’d be a “siren” at some nursing home, now that was a creepy vision of legacy! I hope they can always have a good laugh about their mother.

Upon waking I opened my eyes, they were focused!  I could smile and remind others to rest their eyes while on the computer, double vision  is very scary.

I knew I would go to the Artwalk and see what was new and exciting and I was so glad I did.  The starting point was Hyder’s Gallery and they had one of the artists sitting there with Lori Anne,   Jerryl Cain did abstract work similar to Picasso, nice color and flow. I noticed new artist work throughout, new painted furniture, also new pieces by Doug Powell who does work using small, painted puzzle pieces forming to make a subject, his pieces are collected by The Smithsonian.
Ran into Leon and Tom with Delaney Dean the new photographer at Art Affair, was curious to see her work on the wall as last time it was a picture on a cell phone slide show. it looked beautiful in person, so many thought out layers .
Headed to the Historic Sanford Welcome center where they had a piano painted by Rudy Drapiza.  People were chatting and looking at the monthly work displayed.  It used to be they had quite a fanfare on these Fridays, but it was on the quiet side tonight, probably the holiday, the downtown was kind of toned down.

Ran into photographer and writer, GK Sharman, we chatted and looked over at Art Affair where Dlynn Roll was holding a piece of cardboard over her face to shield her face from the blinding 90+ degree sun as she sold jewelry and candles outside the Gallery. her work is now on display at The Avalon downtown and at CityArts Factory for the month of June. She has a lot of fun earrings too. Her husband Jim sat on the shady side of the door and is a big support to Dlynn, love a good supporting spouse! I was also happy to see JT Smalley’s ‘bot’ creations, they are adorable and looked great in the window of Art Affair and on the shelves, take a closer look at these pieces, couldn’t be more clever!

Saw sweet Grace at her store Cloey behind Art Affair Gallery, she works hard to make such a warm presence in her store with wonderful jewelry and clothing besides misc, items, stop and tell her hello.

Art Affair looked colorful and well put together. Had a variety of artist work in the middle room.  On to Framing 508 with Rae Marie and Alfredo and she was working on commissioned dog pastels as Alfredo painted away on his muses, he’s so excited about his wonderful new diet of natural raw foods and special drinks, he feels so good he’s trying hard to convert me, can I stop my bad habits? Naw, I need my sugar high.

Over to Jeanine’s Gallery on First and it was packed, I found my sugar high at their reception of landscape painters, Francine Levy was one, she has solid work. They had yummy stuff and I could not resist the donut holes and cookies, thanks girls! They really had the best crowd of the night. Onto Maya’s Books and Yvette was watering her geraniums and pointed to her tree of laminated hands for a community effort where people came together to make hands of unity. Thank goodness we are getting back to normal after all the negative publicity, what’s sad is it happened miles away much closer to Lake Mary then Sanford, but the Sanford business owners really took the brunt of it. Glad things are quieting down for now.

I saw the newly opened Gallery, Dan Mastrapa’s  Artsans right at the clock square. Dan has a wonderful layout. He’s going at this slow, and so far, he seems to be doing it right.  Graphic Artist Mark Baiz (anthonybaiz.deviantart.com)  was there doing a computer art demonstration, it’s good watching artists at work. Met an artist and wife inside Artisons checking out the gallery, he owned a lawn spraying company,  Able Lawn Spray at yourlandscape.com. I loved his shirt which he made and said he was looking for venues to show his work, my advice, the venues are there, you have to pound the pavement to find them.

On down to find The White Cup has opened and what a great vibe I got from there. It is so much more than when they had at the small the Debary location under the former owner. This location was bigger and full of energy, a nice awakening!  This new venue under owner Wayne Reichert rocked with energy! It has bands and it’s own gallery with work even  on the ceiling all hand painted by different artists. Terrific job business venue and welcome Wayne! I was so glad to see how the area is fanning out with a variety of places to visit, they keep changing to make Sanford a more desirable place to come and enjoy.

I missed the sunset at the marina, so headed on home and the moon was high and the only thing visible in the sky. No clouds at all, today was just a hot, and windy day, no rain, dry as a bone and the big hype is this front coming Sunday, we shall see. Once again you can tell it’s slow news with how they hype the weather. Do you think all the radars at these stations send out energies that affect us somehow? Maybe they shorten the days, this month seems like it last 3 days and is over already. I took my nightly pic of the moon and added the Creature from The Blue Lagoon, somehow it seemed the right thing to do! So now that I have spent like 6 hours getting this together, I’m ready for a break, maybe I’ll clean the garage, maybe not, maybe I’ll go out and take a few pics, heck, if something happens to me, the kids can throw away everything, I’ll never know – I just want them to hold on to the love! Happy Memorial Day and thank you to our military for all your service!